Knowing What it Takes, is not Always Enough

The song above always makes me cry every single damn time I hear it. Why do I keep listening to it then, you may ask? Well, I love this song. But it goes a bit deeper then that.

This song is forever going to be attached to a certain person that I secretly fell for, but they had no idea I did. I never confessed it. I never got the nerve. Its funny how this song is about two lovers, losing each other, but although I was the only one that knew it, I felt I was losing my love.

I talked yesterday about regrets, and if there is one regret that I will probably never get past it’s not confessing my emotions when I had the chance. Fear can do that to you. Sometimes fear can take total control of you and turn you into a stupid moron. In other moments, fear can make you into a panicked mess of emotion. And before you know it, fight or flight kicks in and you end up running. I did not run literally, but my brain ran. It ran right into the dark corner and stayed there, as she slipped away.

I could also blame it on confusion. Who was I to even have the right to feel the way I did? I’ve been told it’s wrong. Not in so many words, and not directed at me personally, but you hear opinions from people and sometimes those opinions stick in your head. They can generate the fear I talked about earlier. It’s mostly confusion though. There are 26 letters in the alphabet, which make up approximately 171,476 words, and yet I can’t come up with a way to explain how I feel.

I have no idea where she is now, and I’m not sure if it matters. I have no real solid clue that she could even show the same emotion back. That’s probably why she had no idea how I felt. Or maybe she did, and the roll was the same as mine. Maybe she was afraid to say it in fear of what I would think. Probably not, but I have to consider all possibilities. Maybe she’s having the same thoughts as me. The same regrets that I’m having. That would suck for her, and I hope she does not feel that way.

So what do you do about things like this? I’m not sure if there is anything I could do. I suppose if it ever happens again I could choose not to follow the same path, but carpe diem. Seize the day. And take hold of the moment and not be afraid. I’ll probably chicken out again, but hey, at least I fooled myself for a moment.