A Little Anger, Then a Little Admiration

I hate it when you see your ex, and all those feelings and reasons why you're were into them so much come flooding back. Then you remember why your not with them and it just makes you angry that you still feel like you want them. It sucks and catches you totally off guard. It made me want to go home, and hide, turn on some Disturbed and just let the anger flood me and adrenalin explode in me. Then after that’s over, just pass out.

I think the above piece is breath taking and amazing. If there was ever a chance for me to go to a costume ball or something like that, this is the out fit I want to wear, complete with panted face. I love it so much that I’m just going bonkers. Yeah I’m silly, but I really love it. The artwork is by Charlie Bowater, and she is amazing.



Ashes to Ashes, But Not Dust to Dust...

Through all the ashes in my life a jewel finds it’s way to the surface. In this case, the jewel its represented below:

Tick tock, hear the clock countdown
Wish the minute hand could be rewound
So much to do and so much I need to say
Will tomorrow be too late?

Feel the moment slip into the past
Like sand through an hourglass
In the madness, I guess, I just forget
To do all the things I said

Time passes by, never thought I'd wind up
One step behind, now I've made my mind up

Today, I'm gonna try a little harder
Gonna make every minute last longer
Gonna learn to forgive and forget
'Cause we don't have long, gonna make the most of it

Today, I'm gonna love my enemies
Reach out to somebody who needs me
Make a change, make the world a better place
'Cause tomorrow could be one day too late

Tick tock, hear my life pass by
I can't erase and I can't rewind
Of all the things I regret the most I do
Wish I'd spent more time with you

Here's my chance for a new beginning
I saved the best for a better ending
In the end I'll make it up to you
You'll see, you'll get the very best of me

Time passes by, never thought I'd wind up
One step behind, now I've made my mind up

Today, I'm gonna try a little harder
Gonna make every minute last longer
Gonna learn to forgive and forget
'Cause we don't have long, gonna make the most of it

Today, I'm gonna love my enemies
Reach out to somebody who needs me
Make a change, make the world a better place
'Cause tomorrow could be one day too late

Your time is running out
You're never gonna get it back
So make the most of every moment
Stop saving your best for last

Today, I'm gonna try a little harder
Gonna make every minute last longer
Gonna learn to forgive and forget
'Cause we don't have long, gonna make the most of it

Today, I'm gonna love my enemies
Reach out to somebody who needs me
Make a change, make the world a better place
'Cause tomorrow could be one day too late

Knowing What it Takes, is not Always Enough

The song above always makes me cry every single damn time I hear it. Why do I keep listening to it then, you may ask? Well, I love this song. But it goes a bit deeper then that.

This song is forever going to be attached to a certain person that I secretly fell for, but they had no idea I did. I never confessed it. I never got the nerve. Its funny how this song is about two lovers, losing each other, but although I was the only one that knew it, I felt I was losing my love.

I talked yesterday about regrets, and if there is one regret that I will probably never get past it’s not confessing my emotions when I had the chance. Fear can do that to you. Sometimes fear can take total control of you and turn you into a stupid moron. In other moments, fear can make you into a panicked mess of emotion. And before you know it, fight or flight kicks in and you end up running. I did not run literally, but my brain ran. It ran right into the dark corner and stayed there, as she slipped away.

I could also blame it on confusion. Who was I to even have the right to feel the way I did? I’ve been told it’s wrong. Not in so many words, and not directed at me personally, but you hear opinions from people and sometimes those opinions stick in your head. They can generate the fear I talked about earlier. It’s mostly confusion though. There are 26 letters in the alphabet, which make up approximately 171,476 words, and yet I can’t come up with a way to explain how I feel.

I have no idea where she is now, and I’m not sure if it matters. I have no real solid clue that she could even show the same emotion back. That’s probably why she had no idea how I felt. Or maybe she did, and the roll was the same as mine. Maybe she was afraid to say it in fear of what I would think. Probably not, but I have to consider all possibilities. Maybe she’s having the same thoughts as me. The same regrets that I’m having. That would suck for her, and I hope she does not feel that way.

So what do you do about things like this? I’m not sure if there is anything I could do. I suppose if it ever happens again I could choose not to follow the same path, but carpe diem. Seize the day. And take hold of the moment and not be afraid. I’ll probably chicken out again, but hey, at least I fooled myself for a moment.

And I've Been Told I Have Issues

I don't know if I am mad or not about this, but this guy I know got news last night that some girl he had sex with gave birth to what she says is his baby. 

What makes me feel mad is that he's not going to get a test to find out if it is his. He is going to wait and I guess things will happen that will allow him to have the state pay for the test so he does not have too. He can pay for it himself, but he does not want to.

Also, he is acting like it's no big deal. 

Also, his current girlfriend, that he was living with, broke up with him after this news. Now he won't shut up about another girl he has lined up and he is hooking up with her this weekend. 

I have come to understand that there really is only two guarantee forms of birth control. One is not to do it at all and two is to become gay. One of those I am very responsible about, the other I'm still undecided.

So now, I don't know which is making me more angry. And people say I have issues.

Regret

We all have those moments of regret. Those moments when we realize that something we did in the past, be it hours, days, weeks, or years in our pasts, comes back to haunt us. And we wish we had not done what we did. We wish we could have handled things a little different, or a lot different. We wonder if certain people would still be in our lives if we had done things different. It’s a nagging feeling that will creep up on you when you least expect it, and then tackle you into submission, till the emotion passes. It’s a tough moment, and I’m sure we have all dealt with it, and continue to deal with it.

Here is part of my regret…

I slowly trace my fingers along the scars

dark discolorations against pale flesh and blue vein

in my mind I picture the skin

smooth and unmarked, before the pain

regret seeps through my eyes

as the tears fall slowly to the floor

ashamed, I pull back the sleeves of my shirt

in a vain attempt to hide my disgrace

Not to Bad of a Day After All

I don't twitter. I don't even have a Facebook account. It seems like a contradiction since I made this blog, but I don't like people knowing to much of my business.

After careful thought, and a drink or two, I have come to the conclusion that I don't have a Facebook page because then people in my real life will be there to see what I am thinking (even though I can post only what I want them to see, but I don't see the point of censoring myself because of them).

So today, or yesterday was a Starbucks day. Grande White Chocolate Macchiato with a squirt of Peppermint. I really love it and it's always a treat for me. Kind of like a reward for going all week without cutting myself. I very seldom get anything else, although I have been tempted.

First Real Post

This is something my counselor felt could be a good idea, blogging that is. I’m not sure what she thinks I’m suppose to do, but I suppose it’s a way to express my feelings and get them out on, what would be virtual paper, and then maybe read them later and see if I feel different, the same, or embarrassed with myself. I’m going for the latter.

In all honesty, I could probably do this in a book journal, but I don’t feel like sitting and writing. Typing seems easier, plus I like to click around and read what others are writing. Peeking into other people’s worlds could give me some perspective on my own world. Or just make me depressed, but it’s a chance I’m willing to take.

I fired up Pandora, and typed in Within Temptation (my new obsession) and some of the random songs are really pretty cool. Sorry, random irrelevant thought.

I got up way to early this morning, and now I’m about to fall asleep, but its way to early to go to bed. To be honest, last night I could not sleep. My dreams were kind of crazy so I’m glad I did wake up. I still remember what the dream was, but I don’t want to get into it. In general it had past love, emotional loss, and I was trying to run from something that I could not get away from fast enough. I hate when I’m running in my dreams, and I have to literally bend over and use my hands to try to make me go faster. That’s a shitty feeling.

I think it’s time to dive into a book for a while, which will probably send me to sleep.